I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You are a genius and a whore.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
