I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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