You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
