the new term for farting is butt boxing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
3 2 1 whiskey
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
