my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
