girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
