Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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