How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
