shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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