i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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