I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
