Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Small penises have feelings too.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
where are my eyebrows?
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