We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
