I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
