Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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