Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
