Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
