I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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