After last night, I could never be a politician.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
