I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
