I need help removing her.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You dont lie about slip and slides
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
