The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
