I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
