yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize