im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
