if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
