The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize