...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
