oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
