ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
