just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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