It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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