it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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