After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
