Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
