My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
organizing the empties. That sober.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
