There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
