I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
