i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
