Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize