I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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