I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
