Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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