You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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