just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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