Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
