I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
