but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
