i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize