Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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