I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize