I puked a lego.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
