Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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