if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
