My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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