I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
