I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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