I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
