i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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