I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
