I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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