Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
