hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
