This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
