I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can text with my tongue
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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